If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy