My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.