My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.