Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay