[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”