Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I wanna be friends with this person
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”