If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED