[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible