Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
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pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
yall want some gasoline milk
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.