If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
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*looks at you in batman voice*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.