[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality