Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
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Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.