Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?