If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Netflix and awkward silence?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
If snakes were wide
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.