7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!