This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
181.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads