Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
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I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
This took me a second..
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .