I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Jogging
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks