“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Siri, fight Alexa.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.