People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.