“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.