I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.