Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
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Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying