“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You Might Also Like
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
At least try to make it slightly believable
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.