when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Bro what is this
Venn
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
They did not think through this water fountain
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
who wants to go expliring
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.