Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over