My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.