If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Respect
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
#Thanos #MondayMood