Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
no regrets
Realize this:
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Always
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.