Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Um … Hot Wings please
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?