Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
respect
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”