Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.