I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Thursday Thought.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”