Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
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[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I cannot stop laughing at this
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.