[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
You Might Also Like
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
This is a sub tweet
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”