Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Going into Monday like
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365