just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
this has done me in for some reason
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Botany good plants lately?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?