No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*