Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
How to find Kentucky on a map
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Hello Twits.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Name another movie that mislead you?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”