“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.