I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.