Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.