Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first