me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
An odd boast
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
twitter is a journey
A roof is a house hat.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.