I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Buying a well is money well spent.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.