CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
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The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Usage Guidelines
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”