When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
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Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
me hitting on a model
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.