Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
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THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas