they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!