The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.